Winners of the 2017 Fall Lyric Contest

SEMIFINALISTS
“Skin Diving” by Martin Robley, Ballajura, Australia
 “All the Time” by Phil Casteel, Grapevine, TX
 “Thinkin and Drivin” by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, Va
  “Why Can’t I” by Ireland Casteel, Grapevine, TX

1st Place

Skin Diving © 2017 Martin Robley, Ballajura, Australia

I saw you breaking through the breakers
Venus rising, the girl from Dr No
Siren eyes call me from the shoreline
Caught in your rip, your undertow
We glide so smoothly like steel guitars      I suggest that you use an example such as “a board on a wave” or some ocean related simile rather than steel guitars.

Drawn like magnets face to face
Your ocean smile soothes and pulls me under
Beneath the surface in your warm embrace

Chorus : Skin Diving … So lost in all the blue
Skin Diving … Submerging into you
Going down ever deeper,
All or nothing, sink or swim
Skin Diving, Skin Diving
Skin on skin

We’re drifting weightless in the water
Seabirds wheeling in the sky flying free
Shipwreck hearts yearning for safe harbor
We track the moons’ path on the sea
Let me dive deeply in your ocean
Surface tensions fade from view
An aching need clings and brings us closer
Drowning not waving I’m so lost in you     Waving?  Maybe ‘swimming”or “floating” would be clearer.

Chorus : Skin Diving … So lost in all the blue
Skin Diving … Submerging into you
Going down ever deeper,
Where do you end and I begin?
Skin Diving, Skin Diving
Skin on skin

Bridge: Let me navigate your coastline
Let me ride white horses into shore
Wave on wave of pure emotion
I’ve never felt this way before

Chorus :
Skin Diving … So lost in all the blue
Skin Diving … Submerging into you
Going down ever deeper,
Where do you end and I begin?
When we’re diving
Skin Diving, Skin Diving
Skin on skin

I’d work on cleaning up the rhythm of the wording where its needed.  I like the song.

 

2ND PLACE

 All The Time © 2017 Phil Casteel, Grapevine, TX

Verse 1
He said I don’t know why it feels so dark
but it feels this way all the time.
He said I can’t stand to see the pain
but it looks this way all the time
Chorus
All the time, all the time, all the time
he feels this way all the time
Verse 2
He said I can’t reach what’s by my side
and I feel alone all the time
He said I wish I could see the sun
and just escape the cold all the time
Chorus
All the time, all the time, all the time
he feels this way all the time
Bridge
Yeah I wish I could take him through the night
and help him see the light, just anytime
Help him move beyond the pain
and just enjoy the day anytime
Anytime, anytime, anytime
just wish it would change anytime
Chorus
All the time, all the time, all the time
he feels this way all the time
Outro
He said I don’t know why it feels so dark
but it feels this way all the time.

I had to think through the timing on these lyrics a bit, but it worked once I got the feel.  I would like to hear it with the music to see if that smooths out the rhythm of the words some. The subject takes one to kind of an unhappy place.  Hope the writer doesn’t feel this way “all the time”.  I feel that the bridge could use shortening, but once again, it may work with the music.   I would try to use some new images and words and keep away from being repetitive.  After a few readings, I like it.

3rd PLACE

“  THINKIN’  AND  DRIVIN’  “ © 2017 Bill Kapac, Williamstown, VA

CHORUS:  SHE’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING

WHAT’S SHE UP TO NOW, SHE’S GONNA DRIVE ME TO DRINKING

I CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT HER, I’M BARELY SURVIVING

JUST TRYING TO BE SAFE, WHILE I’M THINKING AND DRIVING

V-1  THERE’S NO LAW AGAINST IT, BUT THERE OUGHT TO BE

I CAN’T LOOK AT THE ROAD, WHEN SHE SITS CLOSE TO ME

SOMETIMES I HUG SO HARD, MY KISS TURNS TO SMOTHER

BUT SHE NEVER SAYS STOP, BECAUSE SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER

V-2   SHE FILLS UP MY MIND, I CAN’T CONCENTRATE

SO WHERE EVER I GO, I END UP BEING LATE

I LIKE WHEN SHE’S WORKING, SO I KNOW WHERE SHE’S AT

I’M A JELOUS GUY, SHE’S KNOWS ALL ABOUT THAT   I’m a jealous kinda guy, and she knows that.

CHORUS:  SHE’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING

WHAT’S SHE UP TO NOW, SHE’S GONNA DRIVE ME TO DRINKING

I CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT HER, I’M BARELY SURVIVING

JUST TRYING TO BE SAFE, WHILE I’M THINKING AND DRIVING

V-3  TRY TO LOOK OUT, FOR GREEN LIGHTS TURNING RED

BUT IT’S HARD TO SEE, WHEN SHE’S DANCING IN MY HEAD

MY CAR STEERS IT’S SELF, GOES IN HER DIRECTION

I LOVE HER SO MUCH, TO ME SHE’S PERFECTION    I’d work on the first 3 lines of this verse…not the idea, but the flow.

CHORUS:  SHE’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING

WHAT’S SHE UP TO NOW, SHE’S GONNA DRIVE ME TO DRINKING

I CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT HER, I’M BARELY SURVIVING

JUST TRYING TO BE SAFE, WHILE I’M THINKING AND DRIVING

SHE SAYS I SMUTHER, BUT SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER

SHE KNOWS I CARE, AND I DON’T LIKE TO SHARE, I WANT HER ALL TO MYSELF, WITH NOBODY ELSE   IS THIS A BRIDGE?

TRY TO LOOK OUT, FOR THOSE LIGHTS TURNING RED

BUT IT’S HARD WHEN ALL I SEE, IS HER IN MY HEAD

THERE’S NO LAW AGAINNST IT, BUT THERE OUGHT TO BE

I CAN’T LOOK AT THE ROAD, WHEN SHE’S SITTING NEXT TO ME         “Sitting” throws off the timing, and this seems to repeat ideas from earlier verse.     

IS DRIVING ON IT’S OWN,

SURVIVING-STRIVING-LYING-STRIVING-TRYING-  I don’t get these, and you haven’t mention previously that she’s lying.

CHORUS:  SHE’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING

WHAT’S SHE UP TO NOW, SHE’S GONNA DRIVE ME TO DRINKING

I CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT HER, I’M BARELY SURVIVING

JUST TRYING TO BE SAFE, WHILE I’M THINKING AND DRIVING

ORIGINAL

CHORUS:  SHE’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING

WHAT’S SHE UP TO NOW, SHE’S GONNA DRIVE ME TO DRINKING

I WONDER WHO SHE’S WITH, I’M BARELY SURVIVING

TRYING TO BE SAFE, WHILE I’M THINKING AND DRIVING   Pare it down a bit, think about what your point is, tighten up your idea, and you might resubmit.

 

HM

 Why Can’t I © 2017 Ireland, Grapevine, Tx

Verse
Saw your face when you looked my way
Knew that I couldn’t stray from you, you were all I need
Thought about you night and day
Had you on my mind, please say. Oh why, couldn’t I…

Chorus
When I woke up all I could think about was you
The memories of your smile and all the things you’d do
When I’d go out I’d see places that we’ve been
Our little coffee shop that serves Italian mint
Oh you, plus me was a dream

Verse
I gave my heart and I felt brand new
I got chills when I looked at you, cause you were all I need
Thought about us everyday
Our love I couldn’t explain. Oh why, couldn’t I…

Chorus
When I woke up all I could think about was you
The memories of your smile and all the things you’d do
When I’d go out I’d see places that we’ve been
Our little coffee shop that serves Italian mint
Oh you, plus me was a dream

Bridge
But now I see us in a different way
I was changing
But you remained the same

Verse (outro)
I still see you now and then
Think about the time I spent with you, and you with me
I try to put the thought away
But the memories still remain, oh why, can’t I….

I don’t understand the “please say” in the first verse, and your verses are not structured the same.  If you are going to record this song, I would spend some time cleaning those issues up as well as your rhyme scheme, because overall, I like the song and the feel of it.

Thanks to Lyric Contest Co-Director Alexis Tapp for these comments