Winners Ireland and Harri Wolf Tie in the 2019 Winter Lyric Contest

There is a tie for this quarter. We have two winners, Ireland and Harri Wolf

Thanks to DSA VP Bobby Montgomery for comments. 

 I’ll Just Leave by Ireland
Verse
Feeling broken feeling down
Cause you’re not saying what you mean
These empty words filling my head
Cause you’re not talking to me
Chorus
Not sure what I did Not sure where we’re going
Lost you along the way All the roads are closing
You pushed me away So I’ll pack my things
Make it easy on you And I’ll just leave
Verse
I’m not myself anymore
Don’t think I’ll ever really be
Never live up to what you want
You’ll never get what you need
Chorus
Not sure what I did Not sure where we’re going
Lost you along the way All the roads are closing
You pushed me away So I’ll pack my things
Make it easy on you And I’ll just leave
Bridge
It’s not a change of heart It’s not just you and me
Look at what you’ve done Don’t put this on me
This is the hardest part But I just can’t leave
Chorus
Not sure what I did Not sure where we’re going
Lost you along the way All the roads are closing
You pushed me away So I’ll pack my things
Make it easy on you ….
But I just can’t leave

COMMENTS

Good structure, good placement of hook. 

Chorus is a bit too long. 

Hook in the last line contradicts the established hook.

ASHES OF PARADISE by Harri Wolf
Paradise was a lovely town
With mountains full of trees
Till a fire overtook them
Like the wrath of hell released
Now the dead drift up to heaven
Their ashes rise like incense
Survivors flee like refugees
Living in their cars and tents (among the)

(chorus)
Ashes of Paradise
drifting clouds in darkened days
Ashes of Paradise
forever lost over
the Golden Gate

I’ve been walking for eternity
My soul burned to my shoes
Astonished by the appetite
That drives what death consumes
We’ve passed through the inferno
A merciless and angry blaze
You’ve cleansed us with the fire,
Grant us mercy now, we pray( kneeling in the)

Ashes of Paradise
In drifting clouds in darkened days
Ashes of Paradise
forever lost over
the Golden Gate

(Bridge)
In the ashes of Paradise
Something caught my eye
A trail of light was left behind. 

To show me where the angels cry 

( I would remove “was left behind” and have the line read – “A trail of light to show me where the angel cry in the” – . This would give it a three line bridge. )

Ashes of Paradise
In drifting clouds in darkened days
Ashes of Paradise
forever lost over
the Golden Gate

COMMENTS

This is a very tragic story based on a current event of retribution and mercy.

Very original

Full of mental Imagery

Good Structure

Hook well placed and repeated. 

Additional comments in parenthesis by Barbe McMillen – (I would add a few words to help the verses lead into the chorus cut a few in the bridge)